


Hard times ahead

by theyoungv_eins



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron isn't always okay, M/M, Past Traumatic Experiences, Robert isn't always okay, mention of a panic attack, mention of self harm, mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyoungv_eins/pseuds/theyoungv_eins
Summary: They’ve been together long enough that Robert knows what Aaron needs. He knows when he wants to be left alone, he knows when he doesn’t want to be touched. He knows when all he wants is to be touched, to be close to him. He loves Aaron, so he gives him what he needs, no questions asked.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure whether I went about this right. Please, let me know.   
> Not beta'd, so sorry if there are any mistakes. As always, might be a bit disjointed. I have a nasty habit of skipping ahead and going back in to fill in the blanks.  
> Also not too sure about the title?? I'm not good with titles.

It doesn't happen all that often, but when it does, Robert notices it.

It happens when they're in the car. One second, Aaron's in the passenger seat, going off about Adam being an idiot (“Yeah, well what's new?” Robert scoffs. Aaron rolls his eyes and scowls in his direction. “Alright, give over.”), but then he looks up. He sees the railway crossing in front of them, and then starts to stumble on his words. He goes quiet. Folds in on himself a little and closes his eyes.

When the train passes and Robert sets off again, Aaron shifts, a little uncomfortable. "Erm," he says, sitting up again. "Anyway." He continues talking as though nothing happened.

Robert doesn't say anything about it – he knows better. Aaron will tell him what's wrong if he wants to. But it doesn't stop Robert from reaching over to squeeze his hand at the next set of lights.

He thinks about it sometimes. About how many times Aaron has been in so much pain that he’s considered hurting himself or wished himself dead. Even worse are the times when he actually did hurt himself, and when he wanted to be dead so badly that he tried it.

He’d do anything to help him not feel like that again.

When they’re on their way to the Woolpack for lunch, they find a German Shepherd tied up outside of David’s. Aaron practically coos at the dog, smiling wider than Robert has seen in a while. “Had one just like this, y’know?” he tells Robert, kneeling to scratch behind his ears. His smile slowly fades and he’s left idly stroking the fur under his chin.

Robert steps forward and places his hand on the dog’s head. He knows about Clyde – they’ve talked about it before. Of course, Aaron still misses his dog. It’s how it gets sometimes, when you lose a pet. He loved that dog. “D’ya reckon Liv would like a dog?” he asks slowly. “When we’re all moved in, of course.”

Aaron turns his head to look up at him, smiling. “Yeah, reckon she might.”

“She’ll probably want a big one like this,” Robert says. When Aaron stands up, he steps a little closer and puts a hand on the small of his back. “You two are really alike.”

“Yeah.” Aaron leans into Robert’s touch. He looks up at him and smirks. “God help ‘er.”

“Yeah, well. I think you turned out okay,” Robert tells him. He presses his nose into the side of Aaron’s head and kisses him on the forehead.

Aaron pulls a face and shoves him in the direction of The Woolpack. “Alright, get on with it, ya sap.”

It’s almost too much to think about how much Aaron hurts sometimes. Or how much he’s hurt in the past.

It makes him absolutely sick that he’s been the cause of a lot of that hurt. For what? Because he could’ve – was going to a few times – out him? It all seems ridiculously stupid to him, now that he knows what it’s like to be proud of who he is – to be loved by someone like Aaron. Because it’s worth so much more than what he had with Chrissie. If only he’d known that sooner.

Sometimes, Robert wakes up in the early hours of the morning to find Aaron sitting on the side of the bed, head between his knees. He can hear him breathing – in through his nose, out through his mouth. Sometimes he hears him crying. As much as he would like to, he doesn't try to comfort him when he's like this, because it's best to wait until he's ready.

He gets out of bed and makes him a cup of tea. He leaves it on the bedside table until Aaron can bring himself to drink some of it. Sometimes he doesn’t, though, and it’s left to go cold while Aaron curls up as far on his side as he can. He gives him as much space as possible, because it’s what he needs.

Robert lives for the nights when Aaron can bring himself to curl up at his side again. Sometimes they talk about it, sometimes they don’t. There are some nights where Aaron just goes straight back to sleep, but some where it takes him a while to drift off. Either way, Robert doesn’t go back to sleep until he knows that Aaron is okay.

It happens to him sometimes, too.

He has nightmares, too, but not as often and not as bad. His Aaron dreams affect him the most. He has dreams of losing him, and in most of them, it’s because of him.

Mostly, he dreams of him, Aaron, and Liv. They’re happy. The non-abstract dreams are his favourite. As much as he likes the thought of the three of them having a talking dog (seriously, where in hell did that one come from?), he prefers the other kind, because it’s usually something he can see them actually doing. The three of them going on holiday, or to the beach, or just sitting at home. Happy. It’s exactly what he wants, and it’s something that can actually happen.

If he could swap his good dreams for Aaron’s bad ones, he would in a heartbeat.

He still has nightmares from being shot, but not as often as he used to. It’s not always Ross Barton shooting him. More often than not, it’s Aaron, and it scares him. But sometimes it’s Chas, or Andy, or Chrissie. Name anyone he’s ever had problems with, and they’ve probably been in one of his nightmares.

Robert still gets tense around Ross. He all but glares at him when he comes into the Woolpack with Rebecca one night, calling “Alright, ladies? What we drinking?” at them from across the bar.

Aaron elbows him in the arm, and the impact causes some of his beer to slosh out of his glass. “Y’can at least pretend to play nice,” he hisses.

“Yeah, well,” Robert grumbles. He hunches over the bar and gives Ross another one of his dirty looks (He’s starting to look a little like Cain). “You’d be the same if he tried to kill you.”

“I still talk to you, don’t I?”

Robert shuts up after that. He’ll never forget that day in the cabin, and he’ll never stop regretting it. Not for as long as he lives, because if it’s hurting him as much as it does, then how does Aaron feel? He’s the one that had the gun to his head. He had to see Robert at his lowest point.

Aaron sighs and puts a hand on the back of Robert’s neck. He smiles at him, reassuring.

He doesn’t feel all that reassured, though. He’ll never forget about it, and neither will Aaron or Paddy. Aaron might’ve somewhat forgiven him for the whole thing (Robert can’t quite get his head around why in hell he has), but he’s not sure Paddy ever will, and he has every right not to. He doesn’t get quite as many glares from him nowadays, which is progress, at least.

Aaron’s lucky to have so many people that care about him. Paddy, Chas, Adam, Liv. The entire population of Dingles, and just about everyone else in the village.

Robert smiles back at Aaron, a little forced. His touch makes him feel a little better, at least. He doesn’t say anything, because he knows it’ll be soft, and Aaron would hate it. It’s best left until they’re alone together.

They say “I love you” to each other a bit more often these days. (Sometimes even in public, but they haven’t quite made a habit of it.) They’re making the most of it, it seems, because they know more than anyone that really, anything can happen. It’s like they feel the need to remind each other often, just in case one might be their last.

Sometimes Aaron’s past just catches up on him, and the only thing Robert can do is wait until he’s ready to talk. Because that’s the best thing for him to do; he knows better than to push Aaron into talking about something he doesn’t want to talk about.

Robert understands, somewhat. He hasn’t been through nearly as much heartbreak as Aaron has, and not to the same extent, but he understands why he gets how he gets.  

They’ve been together long enough that Robert knows what Aaron needs. He knows when he wants to be left alone, he knows when he doesn’t want to be touched. He knows when all he wants is to be touched, to be close to him. He loves Aaron, so he gives him what he needs, no questions asked.

And when Aaron knows just how to look after Robert on days when he can’t handle things, the only thing he can think of is how unfair it is. Because it’s downright unfair that Aaron knows just how he feels; that he feels far worse sometimes.

It’s unfair, and it breaks Robert’s heart every time he sees Aaron space out, or catches him sneakily wiping at his eyes. He tries not to feel sorry for him, because Aaron would kill him for it.

Aaron has too big a heart, and Robert loves him for it, but sometimes he wishes he didn’t. Because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t get into so much trouble. He’s got a tough exterior, but he cares so much about the people close to him. He always cares. Even after Robert gave him so much grief. Even after everything he’s gone through with his mum. Even though Jackson isn’t with him anymore, he still loves him and he always will.

If he’d just stop caring so much, Robert thinks, then maybe he wouldn’t hurt as badly.

He can’t change that, though. He probably wouldn’t, even if he could, because it’s what he loves most about him. It amazes him how compassionate he is. It always has, and it always will. It doesn’t seem it on the outside sometimes, but it’s easy to see how truly wonderful he is once you know him. Once you understand how much he’ll do for the people he loves. It’s easy to love him. Robert knows that first-hand. He couldn’t stop himself from loving him.

There’s not much Robert can do but be there for him whenever he needs him. He’ll always be there for him, no matter what.

Aaron’s there for him, too. He knows when Robert needs his support, and he does what he can to give it to him. He’s supported him all through the Andy thing, and Robert will always be thankful. He’s “his rock”, as the saying goes, but he’d never actually say that to him. They both know, though.

It’s sometimes difficult for them to go near the quarry. Robert’s still spooked by large bodies of water. Hell, he can’t even deal with baths full of water sometimes.

Surprisingly enough, nearly drowning is enough to freak anyone out.

It’s not too bad. Robert tries to deal with it, but it’s still hard. He puts on a brave face, grips the steering wheel, and drives down that road when he needs to. He doesn’t even think about driving when it’s even slightly foggy. He drives slower, too. Checks his mirrors more often than he really needs to. Doesn’t start arguments (and definitely doesn’t propose) in the car, because he won’t risk it resulting in something a lot more serious.

It gets easier. He’s making progress, but he can never forget being underwater in that car. He still remembers Aaron, desperate and terrified, begging him to just leave him there. It scarred him more than almost dying did. The thought of going through something like that again scares him more than anything. He doesn’t hold it against Aaron; he’d have done the same if it was him stuck under the steering column.

And when Aaron notices how uneasy Robert is, he reaches over and squeezes his hand. Just like Robert does to him.

Robert holds on for as long as he can. They both need a little comfort sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope the ending worked out alright? I'm not too sure. 
> 
> But hey  
> Thank you for comments and kudos and everything. You are truly The Best. I'll always reply to comments, even if I don't know what to say sometimes (meaning most of the time). 
> 
> I'm on Tumblr [@aarondingl-e](http://aarondingl-e.tumblr.com).  
> Come talk to me and/or give me prompts!
> 
> Love you all so very much!


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